Its a Redneck Thing

  red2 If you’ve read my “about me” you know I live in a little rural community in southeast missouri full of rednecks.  I’m posting a story here that I wrote on my other blog “Redneck Cafe” because I don’t have anything else to post on this one right now.  It’s a true story I’m sad to say.   One reader commented “I don’t get the joke”.  The joke is… its not a joke.  It really happened.   Here goes:

My money and phone are in my purse and I left my purse in my boyfriend’s truck. My Jeep is sitting on empty. So I can’t drive back and get it and I can’t call. I thought he would see it and bring it to my apartment. Nope. Finally I went next door and called him. He said (out of breath)…
“I heard the rat in the bathroom so I got my shot gun and shot at it. I hit the shaving cream can and it exploded and caught the house on fire. (Little blobs of flaming shaving cream were propelled everywhere and stuck to the walls and ceilings. )  I’m putting the fire out now. It’s a big fire. We don’t have any lights because the bulbs blew and there’s shaving cream everywhere! You should see the house. Its a mess and its all black from the fire. I think I got the rat. I’ll look behind the dryer tomorrow when I can see and pull him out.”
OMG!

update: the rat was black and crispy.  Yuck!

Don’t try this at home.

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Waste

   A 35,000 toilet?  Bail outs?  Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac?  Meryl Lynch and Bank of America?  I don’t know whats going on anymore.  I don’t understand much of it.  I’m embarrassed to say that because it makes me sound stupid but I don’t consider myself stupid.  Just not politically enlightened and pretty isolated from informed people and their conversations.  And yes this post will be riddled with grammatical errors.  I guess I’m Joe the plumber but in a feminine persona.  First of all, who in the heck names a company Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac?  That’s silly.  And there’s a Ginnie Mae, too.  Don’t misunderstand me, I do get the gist of things.  But it’s all the underlying details that most people understand that I don’t understand.
And…  I’d like to know why our government hands out money to help save companies that make bad decisions and go in the hole?  Hey, I spent some of my bill money last week at Wal Mart when the spending spree spirit came over me (luxuries like toilet tissue, soap, deodorant) and now my car insurance has lapsed because I couldn’t pay the premium.  I know.  It was terribly irresponsible of me.  Do you think the government will hand me some money to get out of the hole?  And what about this quote here (taken from one of my other posts by the way)

“It’s not based on any particular data point, we just wanted to choose a really large number.” — a Treasury Department spokeswoman explaining how the $700 billion number was chosen for the initial bailout, quoted on Forbes.com Sept. 23

    Does that make any sense to you?  Because if it does, please explain it to me.   Does our government shake the magic 8 ball or draw numbers from a hat to decide how much of OUR money they’re going to give away?  I’m going to  agree with Hugh Hewitt who once argued that mismanagement causes companies to fail, and they now deserve to be dismantled organically by the free-market forces so that entrepreneurs may arise from the ashes.  That is something I can wrap my mind around.  I understand what he’s saying clearly. 

    On November 24, 2008, libertarian Congressman Ron Paul (R-TX) wrote,

“In bailing out failing companies, they are confiscating money from productive members of the economy and giving it to failing ones. By sustaining companies with obsolete or unsustainable business models, the government prevents their resources from being liquidated and made available to other companies that can put them to better, more productive use. An essential element of a healthy free market, is that both success and failure must be permitted to happen when they are earned. But instead with a bailout, the rewards are reversed – the proceeds from successful entities are given to failing ones. How this is supposed to be good for our economy is beyond me…. It won’t work. It can’t work… It is obvious to most Americans that we need to reject corporate cronyism, and allow the natural regulations and incentives of the free market to pick the winners and losers in our economy, not the whims of bureaucrats and politicians.” 

   Makes sense to me.  But I’m getting off my subject… if I have one.  I do.  And its this: 

These are uncertain times and I wish I better understood whats going on around me because it definitely affects me.  I think I need CNN for Dummies on channel 101.  I realize other people seem to understand all of it much better than I and I think that everyone else in the country must have way more money than I do and I must live in a cave at the end of the earth because honestly guys, I didn’t know that $35,000 toilets existed or $28,000 curtains.  I’m really out of the loop I guess and if everyone has one but me, I’m jealous.  Tell me, what in the world does this toilet do?  What does it look like?  For $35,000 we should be able to drive it to and from work… or live in it (I say we because we paid for it… I think).  In all fairness I have to say this because people like myself were confused on this:

A commode, in the decorating world, is a small cabinet. source:  http://blogs.wsj.com/deals/2009/01/23/deal-journal-explainer-the-35000-commode-outrage/

Like that makes it any better.

   So this CEO (of Meryl Lynch) decides to spend $1.2 million on decorating his office.  And no one questions the guys sanity or finds this strange when its going on?  Is this normal everywhere except where I live?  I know I’m rural, just how rural am I?  How on earth does fabric cost $11,000?  Or curtains $28,000?  Am I missing something?  Did he really pay this amount or was he writing off expenses he  didn’t have to cover up money he took or misappropriated?  I don’t understand.  I can’t imagine what an $87,000 area rug could possibly look like.  Can you?  Who comes up with these ridiculous prices for these products? Mr. Thain, didn’t you find these prices to be incredibly ridiculous?  Is it a common thing or even necessary to have a dining room in an office?  Or to hang a $13,000 chandelier from its ceiling?  And if drivers get paid $230,000 I want to be a driver.  Where can I apply?

*You can see the itemized invoice for this redecoration here http://online.wsj.com/public/resources/documents/thaindocuments2.pdf

   Bank of America received US $20 billion in federal bailout from the US government through the TARP program on 16 January 2009 and also got guarantee of US $118 billion in potential losses at the company.  No, I don’t understand all the intricate details but I can add.  Lets see… twenty billion plus one hundred eighteen billion that’s one hundred thirty eight billion dollars.  My mind can’t even comprehend a number that large!!! 
   What I do comprehend is I’m out of work.  That I stood in the store tonight ten minutes debating on spending my money on a ham lunchable or a can of chunky chicken noodle soup for my supper, that I have to reschedule my doctor appointments because I can’t buy gas to get to all of them and I had to walk away from the pharmacy without my medicines because I don’t have enough money for them.  So expensive toilets, wasteful and extravagant spending, billions of dollars that I can’t even imagine, inconsiderate slobs that are self indulgent while Americans are losing their homes,  and drivers making over a quarter million dollars make me sick right now. 
   I want to believe that change really has come.  I want to believe that the flame of hope has not yet been extinguished because its hope and its that little flicker of light at the end of the tunnel and the grace of God that gives me strength and gets me up each morning.

   Oh, yeah… Mr. Smith is also redecorating the private rooms of the White House for the Obama family, but taxpayers are getting a better deal. He’s only charging $100,000.  Read about it here http://www.edgeboston.com/index.php?ch=news&sc=&sc2=news&sc3=&id=85846

SNUGGIE? It’s a Bathrobe Worn Backwards for Pete’s Sake!!!

snuggie1
Who comes up with this stuff? Geeze. I want to go on record saying I hate the Snuggie and I cringe everytime the commercial comes on. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the Snuggie a big cumbersome bathrobe worn backwards? Is someone making money off this stupid idea? If they are it proves people will buy anything. And they probably are. I hate these types of commercials. No one in these type commercials can do anything. Nothing. Nada. They struggle with the simplest tasks (putting up a TV tray, wiping a counter, etc.) and have this gosh awful look on their faces. Like they’re in intense pain. Morons! And always on these commercials you get something free… but wait, you get TWO of everything if you order now. The book light must be irresistable. “Gotta buy a Snuggie, gotta have that book light!” Wonder what sales would be like if they sold the book light and threw in a free Snuggie. “Gotta buy a book light, gotta have that Snuggie!” Let’s see… $19.95 + $7.95 P&H. That’s almost $30. At least the package and handling is reasonable. Have you seen how high S&H is on some of these products? Sheesh!

There are certain parts of the commercial that are particularly irritating to me. Like when the woman struggles on the couch to stay covered up with the blanket. (Get a bigger blanket dummy!) Or when she has trouble pulling her arms out to answer the phone. Oh, she looks so pained. And what about when the whole dorky family wears their Snuggies to the ball game? Did you notice you can see their backs exposed to the cold because the thing doesn’t close? (And I thought my mom made me wear some embarrassing things growing up.)

Blankets are OK but they can slip and slide, plus your hands are trapped inside. (Trapped? Isn’t that bit of an overstatement?)
Stay warm from head to toe with the Snuggie Fleece Throw. Made of super-soft, thick, luxurious fleece with oversized loose fitting sleeves, so shoulders, arms and upper body remain protected from the cold but arms and hands are free to use your laptop, TV remote, read a book, talk on the phone, eat a snack and much more.
(Wouldn’t a nice warm bathrobe do the same thing?)
Super Soft, Luxurious Fleece, One-size Fits All. (So when they go to the game the kids have to wear one as large as Dad’s. Sounds like there’s the potential for tripping and falling.)
Plus you’ll get our super-slim, totally portable (totally portable? As oposed to a book light that isn’t portable? Or is partially portable?) Book Light with each Snuggie absolutely FREE! (Wheeee!)

I will admit this to you. I don’t know why, I don’t have a use for one that I can think of yet, and I know the commercial is corny as all get out, and they guy is creepy with one eye bigger than the other, but I want a SHAMWOW! And I want one really bad!
shamwow1

Top 10 Quotes of 2008

Found this. Good read. The Top 10 quotes of 2008, as compiled by the editor of the Yale Book of Quotations:
(From http://climate.weather.com/articles/slideshows/famousquotes2008)

Tied for #10
“Anyone who says we’re in a recession, or heading into one — especially the worst one since the Great Depression — is making up his own private definition of “recession.” — commentator Donald Luskin, the day before Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy, The Washington Post, Sept. 14

Tied for #10
“There are no atheists in foxholes and there are no libertarians in financial crises.” — Krugman, in an interview with Bill Maher on HBO’s “Real Time,” broadcast Sept. 19

Tied for #10
“Cash for trash.” — Paul Krugman discussing the financial bailout, New York Times, Sept. 22.

#9
“Barack, he’s talking down to black people. … I want to cut his … off.” — Rev. Jesse Jackson, overheard over a live microphone before a Fox News interview, July 6

#8
“I’ll see you at the debates, b——.” — Paris Hilton in a video responding to a McCain television ad, August 2008

#7
“Maybe 100.” — McCain, discussing in a town hall meeting in Derry, N.H., how many years U.S. troops could remain in Iraq, Jan. 3

#6
“Decisions by the Secretary pursuant to the authority of this Act are non-reviewable and committed to agency discretion, and may not be reviewed by any court of law or any administrative agency.” — the Treasury Department’s proposed Emergency Economic Stabilization Act, September 2008

#5
“The fundamentals of America’s economy are strong.” — McCain, in an interview with Bloomberg TV, April 17

#4
“It’s not based on any particular data point, we just wanted to choose a really large number.” — a Treasury Department spokeswoman explaining how the $700 billion number was chosen for the initial bailout, quoted on Forbes.com Sept. 23

#3
“We have sort of become a nation of whiners.” — former Sen. Phil Gramm, an economic adviser to Sen. John McCain, quoted in The Washington Times, July 10

#2
“All of them, any of them that have been in front of me over all these years.” — Palin, responding to a request by CBS anchor Katie Couric to name the newspapers or magazines she reads, broadcast Oct. 1

#1
“I can see Russia from my house!” — Comedian Tina Fey, while impersonating Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin on “Saturday Night Live,” broadcast Sept. 13

I Welcome YOUR Comments!

A List of New Year’s Resolutions We Can Keep

Its that time again when people feel compelled to make New Year’s resolutions even though statistics show that somewhere in the vicinity of 97% of the New Year’s resolutions we make won’t be kept. These wishful utterances leave our lips only to arrive at our ears a mil a moment later as self defeating prophecies. Most New Years
resolutions are abandoned by the 2nd of January. Let’s say though that you are more dedicated than the rest of us and you stick to yours until… oh… um… January 7. Now you have 51 weeks to think about what a loser you are and to resolve to have better resolve next year.
To the 3% of you that keep your New Year’s resolutions, this post isn’t for you. Its for the rest of us. Wouldn’t it be great if for the first time we were actually able to keep ALL of our resolutions? How great would THAT feel? What an esteem boost! That’s why I decided to make a list of resolutions for us that we can actually keep this year. Ready?

1. Gain 20 pounds.

2. Take up smoking or drinking. If you’re really ambitious, do both.

3. Spend less time with the family. It cuts down on the fuss’n and
arguing.

4. Stop dieting and excercising. They don’t work anyway.

5. Personalize your work cubicle. Make it scream “you” and plan
to be in it for the next ten years. Promotions and advancements
are for overachievers.

6. Be messy. Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.

7. Eat more fried foods and deserts.

8. Dip into the retirement savings. You can have more fun with it
now than when you’re old.

9. Play more video games instead of volunteering in the community.

10. Save money on Yoga classes and calming gadgets to help you
deal with stressful and annoying situations. Buy a
gun instead.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

This one has been busy circulating. I’ve seen it twice now. Author unknown. I think its funny. I’m posting it for those of you who haven’t read it yet. Its quite a chuckle.

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly! It’s rare. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other
people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or
get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

READERS,
Do you have any tips to add to this list?

Christmas Gifts I DON’T Want

Dear Santa,
I don’t know if you’ll be visiting this year with the economy being bad and all that. I imagine you had to downsize in the workshop and more than a few elves were probably laid off. I suppose you didn’t receive a government bailout, either. Your place wasn’t mortgaged was it? There were a lot of foreclosures this year. Maybe you’ve moved. Maybe you’re renting a place in the south where the heating bills are lower and not depleting our energy sources. Thank goodness for reindeer dust… I don’t think you could afford the gas prices to travel all around the world this Christmas year. They’ve been really high.

The last time I asked you for anything I was 7 years old. I was a little suspicious of you then and I’ll be honest, I’m not truly convinced now that you’re real. Maybe I shouldn’t even be writing you. After all, isn’t “santa” a rearrangement of the word “satan”? Anyhow, in case you are real and you still live at the North Pole and your business wasn’t forced to close and you get this letter… I decided to send you a list of Christmas gifts NOT to get me. Here it is:

1. Anything that has to do with housework… like a vacuum cleaner or swiffer mop. Any other time of the year I’ll appreciate a gadget that makes my work at home easier. But at Christmas it says you aren’t thinking of me. A gift like this isn’t really a gift for me… it’s kinda a gift for the house or for ANYBODY because as I’ve asked my family before “Why do you assume the housework is my job? Anyone here can do it.”

2. A Christmas shirt. Really, now. When can I wear it? At Christmas time. And if I’m opening gifts today, Christmas is over tomorrow.

3. Fruitcake. There’s such a stigma attached to it. Everyone makes fun of it. So I would have to wonder why you are giving me one and what you really mean by it.

4. Socks. Do I have to explain?

5. A Bath and Body Gift Basket. Unless its an expensive brand I would love to have but could never afford, forget it. We all know Wal Mart has a whole aisle of these ranging in price from $1 to $5. These are gifts you buy people when you don’t know what to get them. It screams impersonal.

6. A home made gift. I know, I know… its the thought that counts but usually they’re tacky and then I feel compelled to use them, display them, wear them, or whatever.

7. A puppy. Or any other pet or critter. Don’t assume I want the responsibility and expense of having an animal for the next ten years or so. Did you really think this would make a thoughful gift or did your dog just have puppies and you’re tying big red bows around their necks and trying to unload them on unsuspecting friends and family?

8. I don’t want anything that sings and dances or says “squeeze my hand” or “pull my finger”.

9. Nothing that has written on the packaging “As Seen on TV”

10. Fannie or Freddie stock

11. Clap on, clap off gifts

12. No “cha-cha-cha-cha-chia”. I don’t need a clay head sprouting green hair. I still have mine from last year.

Thanks Santa,
Befuddled and Bewildered

If you are one of the many people who wait till the last minute to buy gifts or if you’re just lost as to what to get someone, these links are for you. One is a gift generator. The other is packed full of gift ideas.
giftgen
Click Here For GIFT GEN

A good site full of ideas. Click Here
Look under the blue square that says submit questions.