Tag Archives: lists

A List of New Year’s Resolutions We Can Keep

Its that time again when people feel compelled to make New Year’s resolutions even though statistics show that somewhere in the vicinity of 97% of the New Year’s resolutions we make won’t be kept. These wishful utterances leave our lips only to arrive at our ears a mil a moment later as self defeating prophecies. Most New Years
resolutions are abandoned by the 2nd of January. Let’s say though that you are more dedicated than the rest of us and you stick to yours until… oh… um… January 7. Now you have 51 weeks to think about what a loser you are and to resolve to have better resolve next year.
To the 3% of you that keep your New Year’s resolutions, this post isn’t for you. Its for the rest of us. Wouldn’t it be great if for the first time we were actually able to keep ALL of our resolutions? How great would THAT feel? What an esteem boost! That’s why I decided to make a list of resolutions for us that we can actually keep this year. Ready?

1. Gain 20 pounds.

2. Take up smoking or drinking. If you’re really ambitious, do both.

3. Spend less time with the family. It cuts down on the fuss’n and
arguing.

4. Stop dieting and excercising. They don’t work anyway.

5. Personalize your work cubicle. Make it scream “you” and plan
to be in it for the next ten years. Promotions and advancements
are for overachievers.

6. Be messy. Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.

7. Eat more fried foods and deserts.

8. Dip into the retirement savings. You can have more fun with it
now than when you’re old.

9. Play more video games instead of volunteering in the community.

10. Save money on Yoga classes and calming gadgets to help you
deal with stressful and annoying situations. Buy a
gun instead.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!