Tag Archives: humor

Its a Redneck Thing

  red2 If you’ve read my “about me” you know I live in a little rural community in southeast missouri full of rednecks.  I’m posting a story here that I wrote on my other blog “Redneck Cafe” because I don’t have anything else to post on this one right now.  It’s a true story I’m sad to say.   One reader commented “I don’t get the joke”.  The joke is… its not a joke.  It really happened.   Here goes:

My money and phone are in my purse and I left my purse in my boyfriend’s truck. My Jeep is sitting on empty. So I can’t drive back and get it and I can’t call. I thought he would see it and bring it to my apartment. Nope. Finally I went next door and called him. He said (out of breath)…
“I heard the rat in the bathroom so I got my shot gun and shot at it. I hit the shaving cream can and it exploded and caught the house on fire. (Little blobs of flaming shaving cream were propelled everywhere and stuck to the walls and ceilings. )  I’m putting the fire out now. It’s a big fire. We don’t have any lights because the bulbs blew and there’s shaving cream everywhere! You should see the house. Its a mess and its all black from the fire. I think I got the rat. I’ll look behind the dryer tomorrow when I can see and pull him out.”
OMG!

update: the rat was black and crispy.  Yuck!

Don’t try this at home.

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SNUGGIE? It’s a Bathrobe Worn Backwards for Pete’s Sake!!!

snuggie1
Who comes up with this stuff? Geeze. I want to go on record saying I hate the Snuggie and I cringe everytime the commercial comes on. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the Snuggie a big cumbersome bathrobe worn backwards? Is someone making money off this stupid idea? If they are it proves people will buy anything. And they probably are. I hate these types of commercials. No one in these type commercials can do anything. Nothing. Nada. They struggle with the simplest tasks (putting up a TV tray, wiping a counter, etc.) and have this gosh awful look on their faces. Like they’re in intense pain. Morons! And always on these commercials you get something free… but wait, you get TWO of everything if you order now. The book light must be irresistable. “Gotta buy a Snuggie, gotta have that book light!” Wonder what sales would be like if they sold the book light and threw in a free Snuggie. “Gotta buy a book light, gotta have that Snuggie!” Let’s see… $19.95 + $7.95 P&H. That’s almost $30. At least the package and handling is reasonable. Have you seen how high S&H is on some of these products? Sheesh!

There are certain parts of the commercial that are particularly irritating to me. Like when the woman struggles on the couch to stay covered up with the blanket. (Get a bigger blanket dummy!) Or when she has trouble pulling her arms out to answer the phone. Oh, she looks so pained. And what about when the whole dorky family wears their Snuggies to the ball game? Did you notice you can see their backs exposed to the cold because the thing doesn’t close? (And I thought my mom made me wear some embarrassing things growing up.)

Blankets are OK but they can slip and slide, plus your hands are trapped inside. (Trapped? Isn’t that bit of an overstatement?)
Stay warm from head to toe with the Snuggie Fleece Throw. Made of super-soft, thick, luxurious fleece with oversized loose fitting sleeves, so shoulders, arms and upper body remain protected from the cold but arms and hands are free to use your laptop, TV remote, read a book, talk on the phone, eat a snack and much more.
(Wouldn’t a nice warm bathrobe do the same thing?)
Super Soft, Luxurious Fleece, One-size Fits All. (So when they go to the game the kids have to wear one as large as Dad’s. Sounds like there’s the potential for tripping and falling.)
Plus you’ll get our super-slim, totally portable (totally portable? As oposed to a book light that isn’t portable? Or is partially portable?) Book Light with each Snuggie absolutely FREE! (Wheeee!)

I will admit this to you. I don’t know why, I don’t have a use for one that I can think of yet, and I know the commercial is corny as all get out, and they guy is creepy with one eye bigger than the other, but I want a SHAMWOW! And I want one really bad!
shamwow1

A List of New Year’s Resolutions We Can Keep

Its that time again when people feel compelled to make New Year’s resolutions even though statistics show that somewhere in the vicinity of 97% of the New Year’s resolutions we make won’t be kept. These wishful utterances leave our lips only to arrive at our ears a mil a moment later as self defeating prophecies. Most New Years
resolutions are abandoned by the 2nd of January. Let’s say though that you are more dedicated than the rest of us and you stick to yours until… oh… um… January 7. Now you have 51 weeks to think about what a loser you are and to resolve to have better resolve next year.
To the 3% of you that keep your New Year’s resolutions, this post isn’t for you. Its for the rest of us. Wouldn’t it be great if for the first time we were actually able to keep ALL of our resolutions? How great would THAT feel? What an esteem boost! That’s why I decided to make a list of resolutions for us that we can actually keep this year. Ready?

1. Gain 20 pounds.

2. Take up smoking or drinking. If you’re really ambitious, do both.

3. Spend less time with the family. It cuts down on the fuss’n and
arguing.

4. Stop dieting and excercising. They don’t work anyway.

5. Personalize your work cubicle. Make it scream “you” and plan
to be in it for the next ten years. Promotions and advancements
are for overachievers.

6. Be messy. Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.

7. Eat more fried foods and deserts.

8. Dip into the retirement savings. You can have more fun with it
now than when you’re old.

9. Play more video games instead of volunteering in the community.

10. Save money on Yoga classes and calming gadgets to help you
deal with stressful and annoying situations. Buy a
gun instead.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

This one has been busy circulating. I’ve seen it twice now. Author unknown. I think its funny. I’m posting it for those of you who haven’t read it yet. Its quite a chuckle.

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly! It’s rare. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other
people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or
get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

READERS,
Do you have any tips to add to this list?

Christmas Gifts I DON’T Want

Dear Santa,
I don’t know if you’ll be visiting this year with the economy being bad and all that. I imagine you had to downsize in the workshop and more than a few elves were probably laid off. I suppose you didn’t receive a government bailout, either. Your place wasn’t mortgaged was it? There were a lot of foreclosures this year. Maybe you’ve moved. Maybe you’re renting a place in the south where the heating bills are lower and not depleting our energy sources. Thank goodness for reindeer dust… I don’t think you could afford the gas prices to travel all around the world this Christmas year. They’ve been really high.

The last time I asked you for anything I was 7 years old. I was a little suspicious of you then and I’ll be honest, I’m not truly convinced now that you’re real. Maybe I shouldn’t even be writing you. After all, isn’t “santa” a rearrangement of the word “satan”? Anyhow, in case you are real and you still live at the North Pole and your business wasn’t forced to close and you get this letter… I decided to send you a list of Christmas gifts NOT to get me. Here it is:

1. Anything that has to do with housework… like a vacuum cleaner or swiffer mop. Any other time of the year I’ll appreciate a gadget that makes my work at home easier. But at Christmas it says you aren’t thinking of me. A gift like this isn’t really a gift for me… it’s kinda a gift for the house or for ANYBODY because as I’ve asked my family before “Why do you assume the housework is my job? Anyone here can do it.”

2. A Christmas shirt. Really, now. When can I wear it? At Christmas time. And if I’m opening gifts today, Christmas is over tomorrow.

3. Fruitcake. There’s such a stigma attached to it. Everyone makes fun of it. So I would have to wonder why you are giving me one and what you really mean by it.

4. Socks. Do I have to explain?

5. A Bath and Body Gift Basket. Unless its an expensive brand I would love to have but could never afford, forget it. We all know Wal Mart has a whole aisle of these ranging in price from $1 to $5. These are gifts you buy people when you don’t know what to get them. It screams impersonal.

6. A home made gift. I know, I know… its the thought that counts but usually they’re tacky and then I feel compelled to use them, display them, wear them, or whatever.

7. A puppy. Or any other pet or critter. Don’t assume I want the responsibility and expense of having an animal for the next ten years or so. Did you really think this would make a thoughful gift or did your dog just have puppies and you’re tying big red bows around their necks and trying to unload them on unsuspecting friends and family?

8. I don’t want anything that sings and dances or says “squeeze my hand” or “pull my finger”.

9. Nothing that has written on the packaging “As Seen on TV”

10. Fannie or Freddie stock

11. Clap on, clap off gifts

12. No “cha-cha-cha-cha-chia”. I don’t need a clay head sprouting green hair. I still have mine from last year.

Thanks Santa,
Befuddled and Bewildered

If you are one of the many people who wait till the last minute to buy gifts or if you’re just lost as to what to get someone, these links are for you. One is a gift generator. The other is packed full of gift ideas.
giftgen
Click Here For GIFT GEN

A good site full of ideas. Click Here
Look under the blue square that says submit questions.

To All of Us Who Survived the 1930’s, 40’s, 50’s, 60’s, and 70’s!!!

I found this on another site and asked permission to post it here (because I like it so much).

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends! , from one bottle and

NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank koolade made with sugar, but we weren’t overweight because .

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING !

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day.

And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Play stations, Nintendo’s, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD’s, no surround-sound or CD’s, no cell phones, no personal computer! s, no Internet or chat rooms……. WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,

made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.

They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned

HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them . . . CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives

for our own good.

And while you are at it, forward this article to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn’t it?!