Tag Archives: funny

Its a Redneck Thing

  red2 If you’ve read my “about me” you know I live in a little rural community in southeast missouri full of rednecks.  I’m posting a story here that I wrote on my other blog “Redneck Cafe” because I don’t have anything else to post on this one right now.  It’s a true story I’m sad to say.   One reader commented “I don’t get the joke”.  The joke is… its not a joke.  It really happened.   Here goes:

My money and phone are in my purse and I left my purse in my boyfriend’s truck. My Jeep is sitting on empty. So I can’t drive back and get it and I can’t call. I thought he would see it and bring it to my apartment. Nope. Finally I went next door and called him. He said (out of breath)…
“I heard the rat in the bathroom so I got my shot gun and shot at it. I hit the shaving cream can and it exploded and caught the house on fire. (Little blobs of flaming shaving cream were propelled everywhere and stuck to the walls and ceilings. )  I’m putting the fire out now. It’s a big fire. We don’t have any lights because the bulbs blew and there’s shaving cream everywhere! You should see the house. Its a mess and its all black from the fire. I think I got the rat. I’ll look behind the dryer tomorrow when I can see and pull him out.”
OMG!

update: the rat was black and crispy.  Yuck!

Don’t try this at home.

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SNUGGIE? It’s a Bathrobe Worn Backwards for Pete’s Sake!!!

snuggie1
Who comes up with this stuff? Geeze. I want to go on record saying I hate the Snuggie and I cringe everytime the commercial comes on. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the Snuggie a big cumbersome bathrobe worn backwards? Is someone making money off this stupid idea? If they are it proves people will buy anything. And they probably are. I hate these types of commercials. No one in these type commercials can do anything. Nothing. Nada. They struggle with the simplest tasks (putting up a TV tray, wiping a counter, etc.) and have this gosh awful look on their faces. Like they’re in intense pain. Morons! And always on these commercials you get something free… but wait, you get TWO of everything if you order now. The book light must be irresistable. “Gotta buy a Snuggie, gotta have that book light!” Wonder what sales would be like if they sold the book light and threw in a free Snuggie. “Gotta buy a book light, gotta have that Snuggie!” Let’s see… $19.95 + $7.95 P&H. That’s almost $30. At least the package and handling is reasonable. Have you seen how high S&H is on some of these products? Sheesh!

There are certain parts of the commercial that are particularly irritating to me. Like when the woman struggles on the couch to stay covered up with the blanket. (Get a bigger blanket dummy!) Or when she has trouble pulling her arms out to answer the phone. Oh, she looks so pained. And what about when the whole dorky family wears their Snuggies to the ball game? Did you notice you can see their backs exposed to the cold because the thing doesn’t close? (And I thought my mom made me wear some embarrassing things growing up.)

Blankets are OK but they can slip and slide, plus your hands are trapped inside. (Trapped? Isn’t that bit of an overstatement?)
Stay warm from head to toe with the Snuggie Fleece Throw. Made of super-soft, thick, luxurious fleece with oversized loose fitting sleeves, so shoulders, arms and upper body remain protected from the cold but arms and hands are free to use your laptop, TV remote, read a book, talk on the phone, eat a snack and much more.
(Wouldn’t a nice warm bathrobe do the same thing?)
Super Soft, Luxurious Fleece, One-size Fits All. (So when they go to the game the kids have to wear one as large as Dad’s. Sounds like there’s the potential for tripping and falling.)
Plus you’ll get our super-slim, totally portable (totally portable? As oposed to a book light that isn’t portable? Or is partially portable?) Book Light with each Snuggie absolutely FREE! (Wheeee!)

I will admit this to you. I don’t know why, I don’t have a use for one that I can think of yet, and I know the commercial is corny as all get out, and they guy is creepy with one eye bigger than the other, but I want a SHAMWOW! And I want one really bad!
shamwow1

Christmas Gifts I DON’T Want

Dear Santa,
I don’t know if you’ll be visiting this year with the economy being bad and all that. I imagine you had to downsize in the workshop and more than a few elves were probably laid off. I suppose you didn’t receive a government bailout, either. Your place wasn’t mortgaged was it? There were a lot of foreclosures this year. Maybe you’ve moved. Maybe you’re renting a place in the south where the heating bills are lower and not depleting our energy sources. Thank goodness for reindeer dust… I don’t think you could afford the gas prices to travel all around the world this Christmas year. They’ve been really high.

The last time I asked you for anything I was 7 years old. I was a little suspicious of you then and I’ll be honest, I’m not truly convinced now that you’re real. Maybe I shouldn’t even be writing you. After all, isn’t “santa” a rearrangement of the word “satan”? Anyhow, in case you are real and you still live at the North Pole and your business wasn’t forced to close and you get this letter… I decided to send you a list of Christmas gifts NOT to get me. Here it is:

1. Anything that has to do with housework… like a vacuum cleaner or swiffer mop. Any other time of the year I’ll appreciate a gadget that makes my work at home easier. But at Christmas it says you aren’t thinking of me. A gift like this isn’t really a gift for me… it’s kinda a gift for the house or for ANYBODY because as I’ve asked my family before “Why do you assume the housework is my job? Anyone here can do it.”

2. A Christmas shirt. Really, now. When can I wear it? At Christmas time. And if I’m opening gifts today, Christmas is over tomorrow.

3. Fruitcake. There’s such a stigma attached to it. Everyone makes fun of it. So I would have to wonder why you are giving me one and what you really mean by it.

4. Socks. Do I have to explain?

5. A Bath and Body Gift Basket. Unless its an expensive brand I would love to have but could never afford, forget it. We all know Wal Mart has a whole aisle of these ranging in price from $1 to $5. These are gifts you buy people when you don’t know what to get them. It screams impersonal.

6. A home made gift. I know, I know… its the thought that counts but usually they’re tacky and then I feel compelled to use them, display them, wear them, or whatever.

7. A puppy. Or any other pet or critter. Don’t assume I want the responsibility and expense of having an animal for the next ten years or so. Did you really think this would make a thoughful gift or did your dog just have puppies and you’re tying big red bows around their necks and trying to unload them on unsuspecting friends and family?

8. I don’t want anything that sings and dances or says “squeeze my hand” or “pull my finger”.

9. Nothing that has written on the packaging “As Seen on TV”

10. Fannie or Freddie stock

11. Clap on, clap off gifts

12. No “cha-cha-cha-cha-chia”. I don’t need a clay head sprouting green hair. I still have mine from last year.

Thanks Santa,
Befuddled and Bewildered

If you are one of the many people who wait till the last minute to buy gifts or if you’re just lost as to what to get someone, these links are for you. One is a gift generator. The other is packed full of gift ideas.
giftgen
Click Here For GIFT GEN

A good site full of ideas. Click Here
Look under the blue square that says submit questions.