A List of New Year’s Resolutions We Can Keep

Its that time again when people feel compelled to make New Year’s resolutions even though statistics show that somewhere in the vicinity of 97% of the New Year’s resolutions we make won’t be kept. These wishful utterances leave our lips only to arrive at our ears a mil a moment later as self defeating prophecies. Most New Years
resolutions are abandoned by the 2nd of January. Let’s say though that you are more dedicated than the rest of us and you stick to yours until… oh… um… January 7. Now you have 51 weeks to think about what a loser you are and to resolve to have better resolve next year.
To the 3% of you that keep your New Year’s resolutions, this post isn’t for you. Its for the rest of us. Wouldn’t it be great if for the first time we were actually able to keep ALL of our resolutions? How great would THAT feel? What an esteem boost! That’s why I decided to make a list of resolutions for us that we can actually keep this year. Ready?

1. Gain 20 pounds.

2. Take up smoking or drinking. If you’re really ambitious, do both.

3. Spend less time with the family. It cuts down on the fuss’n and
arguing.

4. Stop dieting and excercising. They don’t work anyway.

5. Personalize your work cubicle. Make it scream “you” and plan
to be in it for the next ten years. Promotions and advancements
are for overachievers.

6. Be messy. Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.

7. Eat more fried foods and deserts.

8. Dip into the retirement savings. You can have more fun with it
now than when you’re old.

9. Play more video games instead of volunteering in the community.

10. Save money on Yoga classes and calming gadgets to help you
deal with stressful and annoying situations. Buy a
gun instead.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

This one has been busy circulating. I’ve seen it twice now. Author unknown. I think its funny. I’m posting it for those of you who haven’t read it yet. Its quite a chuckle.

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly! It’s rare. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other
people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or
get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

READERS,
Do you have any tips to add to this list?

Christmas Gifts I DON’T Want

Dear Santa,
I don’t know if you’ll be visiting this year with the economy being bad and all that. I imagine you had to downsize in the workshop and more than a few elves were probably laid off. I suppose you didn’t receive a government bailout, either. Your place wasn’t mortgaged was it? There were a lot of foreclosures this year. Maybe you’ve moved. Maybe you’re renting a place in the south where the heating bills are lower and not depleting our energy sources. Thank goodness for reindeer dust… I don’t think you could afford the gas prices to travel all around the world this Christmas year. They’ve been really high.

The last time I asked you for anything I was 7 years old. I was a little suspicious of you then and I’ll be honest, I’m not truly convinced now that you’re real. Maybe I shouldn’t even be writing you. After all, isn’t “santa” a rearrangement of the word “satan”? Anyhow, in case you are real and you still live at the North Pole and your business wasn’t forced to close and you get this letter… I decided to send you a list of Christmas gifts NOT to get me. Here it is:

1. Anything that has to do with housework… like a vacuum cleaner or swiffer mop. Any other time of the year I’ll appreciate a gadget that makes my work at home easier. But at Christmas it says you aren’t thinking of me. A gift like this isn’t really a gift for me… it’s kinda a gift for the house or for ANYBODY because as I’ve asked my family before “Why do you assume the housework is my job? Anyone here can do it.”

2. A Christmas shirt. Really, now. When can I wear it? At Christmas time. And if I’m opening gifts today, Christmas is over tomorrow.

3. Fruitcake. There’s such a stigma attached to it. Everyone makes fun of it. So I would have to wonder why you are giving me one and what you really mean by it.

4. Socks. Do I have to explain?

5. A Bath and Body Gift Basket. Unless its an expensive brand I would love to have but could never afford, forget it. We all know Wal Mart has a whole aisle of these ranging in price from $1 to $5. These are gifts you buy people when you don’t know what to get them. It screams impersonal.

6. A home made gift. I know, I know… its the thought that counts but usually they’re tacky and then I feel compelled to use them, display them, wear them, or whatever.

7. A puppy. Or any other pet or critter. Don’t assume I want the responsibility and expense of having an animal for the next ten years or so. Did you really think this would make a thoughful gift or did your dog just have puppies and you’re tying big red bows around their necks and trying to unload them on unsuspecting friends and family?

8. I don’t want anything that sings and dances or says “squeeze my hand” or “pull my finger”.

9. Nothing that has written on the packaging “As Seen on TV”

10. Fannie or Freddie stock

11. Clap on, clap off gifts

12. No “cha-cha-cha-cha-chia”. I don’t need a clay head sprouting green hair. I still have mine from last year.

Thanks Santa,
Befuddled and Bewildered

If you are one of the many people who wait till the last minute to buy gifts or if you’re just lost as to what to get someone, these links are for you. One is a gift generator. The other is packed full of gift ideas.

Click Here For GIFT GEN

A good site full of ideas. Click Here
Look under the blue square that says submit questions.